Trans Nuns To Tour United States, European Show Dates Considered

Lubbock, Texas – With a performance being billed by evangelicals everywhere as “the literal end of times,’ the Sisterhood of the Trans Nuns, a fully transgender order of Catholic nuns, is stunning crowds and angering believers across America. The Sisters kicked off their jaw-dropping 30-city tour across the country this week in Lubbock, Texas, with prayer, pageantry, prosthesis, and prophecy. 

Critics are calling it “an affront to God” and fans are calling it “a full-frontal spiritual drag brunch, but make it doctrinal.”

Founded in 2011 by Mother Superior Valerie Holiday, a retired HVAC technician turned mystic, the Sisterhood began as a fierce clap-back to the Vatican’s long-standing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tuck” policy. The group, previously known as The Order of the Immaculate Misconception, has since rebranded, received 501(c)(3) status, and now counts over 50 fully professed nuns – each one a transgender woman who has undergone full gender reassignment surgery and passed a rigorous theological exam involving Leviticus, Latin and  a live lip-sync performance of Madonna’s, Like a Prayer.

“We’re not just men in wigs,” said Mother Valerie at a press conference outside Planned Parenthood. “We’re women of God in wigs. With documentation. And a calling.”

A New Patron Saint Emerges

Further incensing the devout, the Sisterhood has canonized their own patron saint – Saint Barbarella the Bearded, a 3rd-century Anatolian dancer who kept a finely groomed beard and lived to be 108 out of sheer spite. Skeptics question the historical accuracy of Saint Barbarella, noting the lack of documented evidence and the close resemblance to a Bratz Doll, a toy doll popular in the early 2000’s among young girls — and boys who knew a good contour when they saw one.

Despite their odds, the Sisterhood remains faithful. “The Bible says God created man and woman in his image,” said Sister Chardonnay. “Then we said, ‘Thanks, God, we’ll take it from here!”

Touring For The Spirit

The national “Transubstantiation Tour 2025” features nightly vespers, educational panels on queer theology, and a closing number called, “He Ascended and So Have We.” Audience members receive spritz bottles of holy water and laminated pronoun rosaries. 

The group of gals has performed at churches, community centers, drag bars and one abandoned in Phoenix where they baptized three Hot Topic employees. 

Progressive Christians, secular liberal, and confused theater kids have shown their support for the Sisters, while conservative backlash to the performances has been swift. “This is blasphemy!,” one Texas State Senator said, asking to remain anonymous, but was easily identified by his “Make Mary Virgin Again” bumper sticker. “Jesus never wore heels.”

To which Sister Persephone with-an-F responded, “Not in the bible, maybe – But honey, he walked on water. Where you think he learned to balance like that?”

The Sisters Have a Mission

Despite the backlash the Sisterhood’s mission remains firm: to offer radical hospitality to all, pray for the souls of TERFs, and bake a deliciously edible communion wafer. Their convent, located in a refurbished Sephora outside of Nashville, is open to pilgrims, seekers, and anyone who has ever been told they were too much for church, but too spiritual for brunch.

“People think we’re mocking God,” said Mother Valerie, adjusting her rhinestone crucifix. “But look at us. We left everything behind to serve something greater. That’s not mockery. That’s faith. Also,” she added, “our choir’s harmonies could make angels weep. Don’t test us.”

Final Benediction

Whether seen as heresy or holiness, the Sisterhood of the Trans Nuns have forced America to reconsider what it means to be sacred. Their very existence is a sermon—one in full glam, with receipts, and likely to end in a standing ovation and a confession.

So, if you hear the heavenly sound of “Like a Prayer” echoing down your local megachurch corridor… it might just be the Sisters come to town.