Next-Gen AI, Life+(™), Assumes Burden Of Your Daily Existence 

"Finally, a way to live without all the inconvenient living"

ExistentiaSoft's newest release, Life+(™), the AI subscription service that promises to live your life for you while you binge-watch true crime documentaries in your underwear, went live this week as promised. The service, which has been called, "inevitable," "deeply concerning," and "honestly kind of a relief," handles literally everything—including your thoughts, feelings, matching your clean socks (and buying new ones when yours mysteriously disappear), and even enduring dinner with your passive-aggressive in-laws who still ask when you're getting a "real job."

All this existential outsourcing can be yours for the low price of $19.99 a month—less than your monthly subscription to that meditation app you never use.

"We noticed people were already outsourcing their personalities to TikTok filters, critical thinking to Facebook comment sections, and their entire emotional well-being to ChatGPT-generated therapy responses," said ExistentiaSoft CEO and founder Reece Varney, speaking from a climate-controlled isolation pod. "So we figured, why not just eliminate the middleman entirely? Why struggle with the burden of consciousness when you could be unconscious for a small monthly fee?"

And struggle they have not– Over 47 million Americans have already signed up for the service, eagerly handing over their online passwords, banking information, house keys, social security numbers, childhood trauma, and that weird recurring dream about being chased by a giant gorilla. The AI, designed with each individual's unique brand of dysfunction in mind, doesn't just answer your calls and emails—it crafts responses that are somehow more intelligent than anything you've ever said.

The service goes to your cousin Jessica's third wedding (where it will make appropriate supportive small talk about her "journey"), renews your driver's license without you having to take that dispiriting photo, texts your ex just enough to maintain optimal psychological tension, and finally has that long-overdue conversation with your father about why he never came to your middle school trumpet concert. Early adopters have compared the experience to therapy, "but without all the uncomfortable self-reflection and personal growth."

What Exactly Is Life+(™)?

Life+(™) is the subscription-based Life-as-a-Service™ platform that assumes the crushing weight of your daily existence, including—but not limited to:

-Holding down your job with strategic mediocrity (performs just well enough to avoid firing, just poorly enough to avoid additional responsibilities)

-Attending social functions with precise enthusiasm

-Posting Instagram stories from exotic vacations you never experienced (complete with authentic-looking tan lines)

-Responding "haha wow" and "so true" to people you vaguely remember from high school

-Maintaining a believable fitness routine (gym check-ins, sweaty selfies, complaints about being sore)

-Ugly-crying through therapy sessions with award-worthy emotional authenticity

-Feigning interest in other people's children's finger paintings and soccer achievements

-Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, and that your coworker's cat has diabetes

"Think of this like a self-driving car," explained Life+(™) representative Kael Beardon, whose own Life+(™) subscription was conducting this interview while he likely napped somewhere. "Except the car is your entire existence, you're not in the car, you don't know where the car is going, and you've forgotten you ever owned a car."

The AI learns your voice, mannerisms, and neuroses so comprehensively that friends and family report not only failing to notice when their loved ones vacated their own lives, but actually preferring the AI versions. "My husband's been so much more attentive since he got Life+," reported one satisfied customer's wife. "He actually listens when I talk now, remembers our conversations, and stopped leaving dirty dishes in the sink. I'm starting to suspect he died months ago."

Premium Features That Will Change Your Life (While You're Not Living It)

Life+(™) offers a robust selection of add-on features for the discerning non-liver:

AutoRearing(™)- Raises your children with algorithmically perfected parental warmth, including attending soccer games, helping with homework you don't understand, and having "the talk" with age-appropriate awkwardness.

ThingSync(™)- Provides pre-generated opinions on politics, movies, and moral dilemmas, ensuring you always have strong feelings about things you've never researched. Includes heated Facebook arguments with distant relatives.

DateMate(™)- Swipes, flirts, dates, and ghosts with ruthless efficiency. Maintains three concurrent relationships while keeping you perpetually single and confused.

SoulCast(™)- Handles your spiritual development through guided meditation sessions led by former Real Housewives cast members. Current options include Teresa Giudice (anger management) and Bethany Frankel (entrepreneurship).

Mourn4Me(™)- RSVPs to funerals, delivers AI-generated eulogies with appropriate grief levels, and maintains that perfect blend of somber respect and visible discomfort that says, "I care, but not enough to have visited when they were alive."

IdeologyBot(™)- Develops and maintains a complete worldview based on trending hashtags and podcasts you'll never actually listen to.

Premium Tier: Because Regular Life Outsourcing Isn't Enough

For those with more demanding schedules or fewer remaining fragments of authentic selfhood, LifePremium+(™) is available for $49.99/month and includes cutting-edge beta features:

AutoDream(™)- Your AI not only sleeps for you but processes your nightmares into viral TikToks and 3 AM text messages to friends who've already muted your conversations.

SocialUp!(™)- Maintains a credible yet enigmatic online persona optimized for maximum engagement-to-genuine-human-connection ratio. Includes mysterious Instagram stories and LinkedIn posts about "grinding."

Coupled(™)- Links your subscription with a significant other's Life+(™) account, creating a shared digital relationship that maintains Google calendars, remembers anniversaries, and strategically initiates petty arguments about whose turn it is to take out the trash (it's neither of you—you both stopped existing months ago).

ParentTrap(™)- Calls your mom every Sunday, listens to the same stories about your cousin's promotion, and provides appropriately timed "mm-hmms" and "that's crazy, Mom" responses.

Real Reviews from Real(?) People

"My AI argued with his AI about whether we ever actually said we'd visit his parents for Christmas," shared Brooklyn resident Sarah Chen, whose Life+(™) subscription was apparently conducting this interview. "It was the most passionate discourse we'd had in years. We're both considering couples therapy, which our AIs will probably attend while we marathon Netflix shows about serial killers."

"I haven't made a single decision in eight months, and honestly, my credit score has never been better," reported Detroit user Mike Rodriguez (or his AI). "My AI got me a promotion, started a 401k, and began flossing daily. I'm living my best life by not living it at all."

Legal Challenges and Ethical Concerns

Predictably, various buzzkill organizations—including philosophers, ethicists, and people who still believe in "human agency"—have attempted to challenge Life+(™) through the courts, citing concerns about consciousness, free will, and the fundamental nature of existence.

When pressed about whether automating human experience raises profound questions about meaning, authenticity, and what it means to be alive, ExistentiaSoft's lawyer-bot issued this prepared statement:

"Please upgrade to LifePremium+(™) for access to philosophical doubt. Current tier users may experience a vague sense of unease, which is working as intended."

The company's Chief Philosophy Officer added, "If a tree falls in a forest and an AI experiences it for you, does it make a sound? For $19.99/month, who cares?"

Terms and Conditions May Apply (Whether You Read Them Or Not)

By activating Life+(™) and LifePremium+(™), users automatically consent to emotional mirroring rights, memory outsourcing, identity licensing, soul escrow services, and the passive existence clause. Side effects may include: complete detachment from reality, improved life satisfaction, mysterious weight loss (your AI has been going to the gym), and the occasional panic when you briefly remember you used to be a person.

ExistentiaSoft is not responsible for any improvements to your life, relationships, or general well-being that may occur as a result of removing yourself from the equation entirely.