Holy Shit Discovered

The Vatican – An ancient shit discovered this week is believed the he the last bowel movement of Jesus Christ. Currently encased in a special temperature controlled, bullet-proof glass box in the Vatican, ancient texts led archaeologists to the location of what is being called the greatest archaeological discovery since the tomb of Egypt’s King Tutankhamen was uncovered in 1922 by archaeologist Howard Carter. 

Biologists at the University of Oxford, Cambridge, say they’ve analyzed the newest addition to the Catholic Churches trove of sacred relics and determined the actual meal served at the last supper. Researchers discovered trace evidence of a clam chowder soup, petite filet mignon, with breadsticks from the Olive Garden. 

The shit is remarkably preserved, having remained in tact for nearly the last two thousand years. It is brown in color with minute green patches throughout, . Preserved in an impressive 6.7 inch long coil. It’s diameter is 2.3 inches at its thickest point. According to Pope Francis, who has spent many hours with the sacred shit since its discovery, it is completely scentless. He says he has prayed over the load of crap and hopes it will encourage people of all faiths, beliefs, and backgrounds to acknowledge the glory and power of Christ, and believes the shit will bring more souls to accept Jesus Christ as their savior. 

“That’s what it’s all about,” Pope Francis said Wednesday, in a special worldwide mass, “Showing the world and those who doubt that Jesus was the son of God – God in the flesh – and just like us, he pooped.”

Millions are expected to travel to see the pile of shit in person, which is on display for a small, suggested donation.