Missus Mary Say: On Feelings What Ain't There and Bosses Wandering Eyes

Missus Mary, I'm no longer attracted to my husband of 20 years. I feel bad, but I just can't get into it. What do you suggest?

Sincerely, Feeling Cold In Bed

Dear "Feeling Cold In Bed,"

You ain't sexually attracted to your husband? Well, ain't that just a crying shame. What you expect me to tell you? Go out and find you a new one? Honey, after all these years, you probably lookin' as interesting as stale bread yourself.

Look, when you done been married for a spell, that "sexual attraction" stuff kinda goes out the window with the trash. You got a roof over your head, food in your belly, and somebody to complain to. What more you want? A Hollywood movie? This ain't no picture show, darling. This is real life.

My advice? Close your eyes and think about somethin' else. Or better yet, go find something useful to do. Iron his shirts, clean the house, somethin'. That'll tire you out enough so you won't even be thinkin' about who you attracted to or not. Besides, you probably ain't got the energy for all that hootin' and hollerin' anyway.

You probably just lazy.

Missus Mary, I’ve got an issue. I’m the boss at my workplace and there’s this woman who works for me. She’s beautiful and I want to ask her out or at least express my interest. How do I approach the situation?

Sincerely, Boss With Wandering Eyes

Dear Dear "Boss with Wandering Eyes,"

So, you're the big boss man, huh? And you got yourself a pretty little thing working for you, and now your britches are feelin' a little too tight, is that it? And you worried 'bout "sexual harassment cases"? Bless your heart. Always thinkin' about yourself, ain't ya?

Honey, let me tell you something. You're the boss. That means you got power. And when you got power and a pretty face lookin' back at you, things get... complicated. If she's beautiful and works for you, then nine times out of ten, she ain't thinkin' about your ugly mug like that. She thinkin' about her paycheck, her job, and how she gonna keep food on her table.

Now, you wanna "express interest" without gettin' in trouble? Child, please. The only way you doin' that is if you grow eyes in the back of your head and a brain in your backside. You can't "approach the situation" without riskin' somethin'. That's just the way it is when you're the boss and you ain't got no self-control.

My advice? Keep your eyes on your work and your hands to yourself. If you wanna "express interest," go home and express it to your pillow. Or better yet, go find someone on your own level who ain't gonna sue your pants off. You probably ain't even got the charm to pull it off anyway, you old fool. And besides, she probably just being nice 'cause you sign her checks.

You ain't special.