The Top 8 Things to do With Your Bitch This Weekend

Reinforce your codependency this Month with control and long walks on the beach. Here are ten things to do with your bitch. 

1. Take her for a  walk. If you don't take her outside at least once a day she gets twitchy and starts chewing on the furniture, or texting her ex. Let her sniff things. Let her chase a bored. Let her believe she has autonomy. 

2. Feed her high-protein meals. She deserves the best. Raw diet, O.K. Expensive treats? Of course. But don't be surprised is she still eats garbage off the street. 

3. Take her to a park to stare down other bitches. It's when she feels freest. Wind in her hair, chaos in her eyes and Taylor swift in her soul. This is her main moment. Don't ruin it. 

4. Microchip her. In case she gets lost (again). Or worse, in case she finds herself in a toxic group chat. Best to track that dissent in real time. 

5. Enroll her in an obedience school. Nothing brings her to life like confrontation. She doesn't need to fight. She just needs to win the stare-down. 

6. Enter in a competition. Watch her turn feral. You have never seen your bitches true self until she is in a pageant, a drag competition, or a small claims courtroom.

7. Teach her a new trick. Roll over. Play dead. Pretend to be supportive. It's all the same. Trick training keeps her sharp and reminds her who run this co-dependent circus. 

8. Put her in a cute outfit and pretend you're fine. Match the sweaters and coordinate your trauma. You don't have to heal -- but you can accessorize dysfunction. 

Remember: A well-maintained bitch is a happy bitch. Follow these simple steps and you'll have successfully transformed a perfectly functional human being into someone who can't make decisions at the grocery store without texting you seventeen times. Sure, it's dysfunctional. But at least you'll never have to face the terrifying fact of eating dinner alone, or the prospect of healthy boundaries. After all, why work on yourself when you could work on someone else?