Mar-a-Lago: Your Home Away From Home

PALM BEACH, FL — In a world saturated with cookie-cutter resorts and overhyped destinations, one estate dares to ask: Why settle for ordinary luxury when you can have scandal-laced splendor? Welcome to Mar-a-Lago—your all-inclusive refuge for the rich, restless, and recently subpoenaed.

Dubbed "The Winter White House" by fans and "The Scene of the Crime" by critics, Mar-a-Lago has rebranded itself yet again. Now proudly billed as “The Slightly Under Indictment Winter White House,” the estate offers guests an unparalleled experience where every sunset comes with a side of legal ambiguity.

Where Privacy Meets Perjury

At Mar-a-Lago, the only thing more elusive than a quiet moment is the truth. Whether you're a disgraced cabinet official looking to unwind or a socialite with a fondness for sealed indictments, this is your velvet-roped sanctuary.

Gone are the days of tedious beach resorts where the wildest thing is an off-schedule towel delivery. At Mar-a-Lago, excitement lurks around every gilded corner:

• Will your morning mimosa be accompanied by a casual FBI raid?
  
• Will the concierge mistakenly hand you a flash drive labeled “Confidential”?
  
• Will you wake up to find your alibi on the cable news?
  

At Mar-a-Lago, plausible deniability is part of the turn-down service.

Activities for the Constitutionally Flexible

“Find the Classified” Scavenger Hunt:
Wander the rococo halls in search of misplaced nuclear codes or hand-scribbled pardons. It’s like an escape room—but with real federal implications.

“Witness Protection” Spa Experience:
Melt away stress (and your identity) with our patented deep-tissue alibi massage and exfoliating non-extradition mud wrap. Every session includes a complimentary burner phone and a whisper of “you were never here.”

“Executive Privilege” Golf Invitational:
Compete with dignitaries, diplomats, and dubious donors in a tournament where score keeping is optional and sand traps double as bug-out bunkers.

“Cocktails & Conspiracy” Happy Hour:
Sip the infamous Moscow Mule-a-Lago—a bold cocktail of vodka, ginger beer, and redacted ingredients—while quietly debating whether that gentleman at the bar is a billionaire donor or an undercover informant.

“Ballroom Blitz” Soirée:
Dance under the chandeliers, but don’t trip over the surveillance equipment. Our DJs play hits, leaks, and wiretaps.

Dine Like a Defendant

Our culinary team, formerly of the International Court of Cuisine (ICC), serves entrees that taste like victory and smell like legal immunity. Enjoy:

• Filet Mignon à la Fifth Amendment — tender, silent, and not taking any questions.
  
• Shrimp Cocktail with a Side of Subpoena — served chilled, like a prosecutor’s stare.
  
• Justice-Glazed Duck — crispy on the outside, corrupt on the inside.
  

Testimonials From Satisfied (and Nervous) Guests

"Mar-a-Lago is the only place where I can unwind without worrying about extradition treaties—at least until check-out."
— Anonymous Former National Security Advisor

"The staff is phenomenal. Every time I blink, someone asks if I need a drink, an alibi, or a burner phone."
— Anonymous Former Campaign Chair

"The golf course is breathtaking. I just wish the drones overhead would stop filming me."
— Current Resident (Under House Surveillance)

Limited-Time Offer: The “Pardon Me” Welcome Package

Book now and receive a Complimentary Legal Survival Basket, featuring:

• A pre-signed NDA
  
• A map of extradition-free countries (now laminated!)
  
• A “My Lawyer Told Me Not To Talk About This” stress ball
  
• A keepsake ankle monitor with gold trim
  

Fine Print

Disclaimer: Mar-a-Lago assumes no responsibility for misplaced documents, unexpected indictments, or sudden urges to invoke the Fifth. Federal agents not included. All guests are presumed innocent until brunch.

Whether you're evading bad press, bad decisions, or bad karma, Mar-a-Lago remains the nation’s most luxurious holding cell. Book today—before the evidence disappears!