US Throws 250th Birthday Party (Sponsored by Lockheed Martin), Forgets Cake 

Washington, D.C. - It was a dazzling display of might, taxpayer-funded hard rock, and camera shots choreographed like a WWE entrance. The U.S. Army celebrated 250 years with a military parade that can only be described as "Call of Duty: Live! on Ice."

The parade kicked off at an undisclosed location (not Downtown D.C), where rows of U.S. Agents stood at parade rest along the streets providing security. Spectators who did not realize that brunch was an option lined the streets as truck convoys, drones, robotics, loud Humvees, and suggestively named missile systems rolled past in a pageant of Very Serious Machinery. 

Each vehicle was lovingly described over a loudspeaker: 

"And here comes the MI Abrams tank, which recently underwent 92 billion dollars worth of upgrades. Just look at her hull. That's the kind of firepower that makes dictators jealous!" As F-35's screamed above, blaring guitar rifts shaking the stadium seating. 

Military spokespeople called it a "non-political" celebration of "heritage," despite the parade floats featured, including:

• A giant inflatable constitution with night vision goggles. 
• A drone shaped like a bald eagle, "We The People" painted on the wings in Monster Energy font.
• A rolling tribute to our veterans: an enormous, empty VA appointment book

"These parades remind us what America is all about," said Colonel Rex Tanner, who prefers the nickname, Flex, standing in front of an MRAP painted in patriotic camo. "Strength, freedom. And timing a missile flyover to a Nickelback chorus."

International audiences were left stunned and bewildered.

In France, state broadcasters openly debated whether the broadcast was a show of strength or an elaborate cry for help.

China’s state-run news aired clips of the spectacle beneath the  caption: “USA Celebrate Big Army. Music Loud Hurt Ear.”

Swedish analysts, visibly confused, questioned whether they were watching a military demonstration or a monster truck rally—citing the gratuitous close-ups of tank wheels and a soundtrack dominated by guitar solos.

Even Russia, never one to flinch at theatricality, quietly postponed its own military parade—reportedly to avoid accusations of plagiarizing what one Kremlin aide described as “America’s heavy metal halftime show.”

Back in the U.S., the defense Department defended the spectacle as a necessary show of strength, heritage, and synchronized marketing push for the upcoming Army-branded energy drink, Operation Grape Fury.

In lieu of candles, the parade ended with a symbolic lighting of the national debt.