This weeks HORRORSCOPES
Aries
Since you love 'brutal honesty' so much, here's some for you: you're never going to achieve your dreams. You'll repeat the same mistakes over and over again until you die. That death grip you've on the past? Yeah, don't let go. Remember all the pain you've caused and know that it's because of who you are as a person. You will never change.
Taurus
Listen - you should probably overdue bills before you order any more UberEats. You’re not a "modern day Dionysus", you have a drinking problem. You haven'thad sec in months because you're too lazy to wipe the crumbs off your bed, or god forbid, buy a new pillow to replace that awful piss coloured abomination you sleep on every night. This isn't hedonism, it's just sad. Either get up and clean
or enjoy rotting in bed for another week.
Gemini
*¡M fLueNt iN sArcASm" - how about you be fluent in shut the fuck up for once. You aren't just two-faced, you have an entire flip-book of faces and you don't even try to hide the fact that you are a deceitful, insincere, vile excuse of a human being. Your FBI agent goes to therapy because of you.
You are going to commit arson this month.
Cancer
By the age of 4, most children develop the ability to understand that other people's thoughts and feelings are different from their own. You, apparently, missed this crucial developmental milestone. Thinking you know how people should feel better than they do themselves doesn't make you an empath. Stop pretending to be an armchair psychologist on TikTok and grow the fuck up. Try not to take this too personally, but you kind of suck.
Leo
Hey, wake up - it's time to wipe the crumbs off your bed so you can take those daily thirst trap photos for Instagram. Because god forbid you go one fucking day without getting any attention from strangers on the internet. If you could stop thinking about yourself for just one second, you'd notice that your loved ones have been slowly cutting you out of their lives for a while now.
Virgo
Stop buying so many calendars. No one wants to make plans with you. See, maybe you'd actually have friends if you didn't insist on pointing out every single minor flaw you supposedly see in other people. Consider a career change to Lice Removal Specialist, because nitpicking is about the only thing you're good at.
Libra
For someone who is literally
incapable of making decisions, you sure do make a lot of bad ones. Expect to find yourself at a significant crossroads this month, and expect to make the wrong decision. But it's OK - your life can't get much worse than it is right now.
Scorpio
You do realize normal people don't un-ironically have archnemeses, right?
You're not a sympathetic Disney villain, wronged by the entire world and out to their rightful revenge. Sometimes you should just wallow in your own pain, instead of taking it out on others. Our advice? Just smoke some weed and chill the fuck out.
Sagittarius
You sure love saying "facts don't care about feelings someone who a) has no idea what they're talking about most of the time and b) will throw an epic pant-pissing tantrum if anyone beats them in an argument. Congrats on bringing the most rancid vibes to every discussion you've ever part of because of your insistence on playing the Devil's Advocate. Every. Damn. Time.
Capricorn
You know, you don't have to treat every person in your life as little more than just another rung on whatever social or professional ladder you're climbing at the moment. They can tell, by the way - you're not exactly subtle. Have you ever considered that decent people dont go to parties to network? This month, focus on trying not to be a cold, distant asshole. And no, you can't list 'work' as a hobby on your dating profile.
Aquarius
You're just a bit of a nothing person. If you disappeared from the world tomorrow, nobody would even notice.
How does it feel to have absolutely no meaningful relationships in your life?
Even if underneath your aloof, unaffected exterior you didn't have the personality equivalent of limp, unseasoned instant noodles, your
attachment style is still just "no". Your best bet is to just learn to live with or, because you’re unlikely to ever change.
Pisces
There is no horoscope, just please go to therapy