Detroit, Michigan - In a move that has sent panic (and perhaps a gentle, knowing chuckle) across the political landscape, former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and two-time almost-President Hillary Rodham Clinton has reportedly declared her intention to seek the nation's highest office once more. The announcement, sources say, came during a spirited backstage rendition of "Don't Stop" at the Fleetwood Mac reunion tour in Detroit.
"She just threw her hands up in the air, mid-air-guitar solo, and yelled, 'You know what? Fuck it! I'm doing it,'" recounted a slightly bewildered roadie who wished to remain anonymous. "Stevie Nicks just nodded sagely, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Then she asked if anyone had seen her tambourine."
The news comes as a surprise to absolutely no one. After decades in the public eye, numerous "I'm not running" pronouncements, and a political career that reads like a particularly dramatic historical fiction novel, Clinton's re-entry into the presidential fray was less a thunderbolt and more a familiar creak in the floorboards of American politics.
Sources close to the Clinton camp indicate that the 2028 campaign slogan is currently being workshopped. Early contenders include: "Third Time's the Charm (Maybe?)", "Still Here, Still Fighting (Still?)", and the edgier "Let's Just Get Her Out Of The Way Already, yeah?"
Political analysts are already having a field day. "This changes… absolutely nothing, and yet somehow everything," commented Dr. Eleanor Vance, a professor of Existential Political Science at the University of Somewhere Online. "We've reached a point where the possibility of a Hillary Clinton presidential run is a constant, a fundamental law of the political universe, like gravity or the persistent rumor of a new Guns N' Roses album."
The Republican National Committee, meanwhile, issued a press release consisting solely of the eye-roll emoji, followed by a GIF of someone repeatedly hitting their head against a wall.
When asked about her platform reports suggest a focus on "sensible shoes for all," a renewed commitment to "emails, probably," and a promise to finally reveal the location of that missing server, possibly during a televised séance.
The Democratic party's reaction has been a mixture of weary resignation and a faint glimmer of recognition. "Look, on the one hand…" sighed one anonymous Democratic strategist, "on the other hand, at least we know what to expect. It's like ordering your usual at a diner – you know it's not going to be the most exciting thing on the menu, but it's reliable. Ish."
As the nation braces itself for another cycle of Clintonian intrigue, one thing remains certain: the 2028 election just got a whole lot more… familiar. And somewhere, backstage at another Fleetwood Mac concert, Stevie Nicks is probably offering sage advice and searching for her shawl.
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