Detroit, MI - Vice President Kamala Harris took to a makeshift podium in downtown Detroit, addressing an assembled crowd with a speech that seemed to materialize from the ether, apropos of absolutely nothing. "I've been practicing this all week," she announced, her voice echoing slightly off the surrounding buildings, "and I'm, like, super ready to share my… insights."
The crowd, a mix of curious locals and bewildered tourists seemingly unimpressed by the spectacle, shifted uncomfortably as Harris launched into a series of vaguely motivational phrases. "We're talking about… possibilities," she declared, her hands tracing abstract shapes in the air. "And, you know, the thing about possibilities is… they're like, possible."
Harris unveiled her "new plan for Black men," a policy initiative that had reportedly been in development for "a while, like, a really long while."
"My plan," she began, her voice dropping to a dramatic whisper, "is for Black men to… just, really, really be themselves, you know? Like, authentically. Because, that's, like, super important."
One attendee, a local barber named Tyrone told Detroit Ped: "I mean, I'm already me. What else am I supposed to be? A dolphim?"
The plan involved a series of vague directives, including: "Embrace your essence," "Find your inner you," and "Just, like, vibe, man." The vice president also emphasized the importance of "self-care," which she clarified meant "like, you know, doing things that make you feel good, like, maybe getting a massage, or eating a really good sandwich."
The White House released a statement clarifying that the vice president's remarks were "part of a broader initiative to promote self-actualization and… general good vibes."
Political analysts were left scratching their heads. "It's like she's trying to communicate through dance, but with words. And, you know, it's something."
The event concluded with Harris waving enthusiastically to the crowd, and one question lingered in the air: what, exactly, had just happened?
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