The Detroit Grand Prix Citizens FAQ

Once again the city's most exhilarating civic traffic violation of the year, the Grand Prix, has returned to Detroit. With a route that baffles engineers, a media presence bigger than the Lions’ playoff hopes, and enough energy drinks to kill livestock, Detroit once again reclaims its title as the reckless heartbeat of American Motorsport. As enjoyable an event it may be, the Grand Prix is not without its unique challenges and curiosities. So if you find yourself wondering "Can I walk through my own city during this?" we've got you covered!

Detroit Grand Prix FAQ: Frequently Avoided Questions

Q: When is the Grand Prix this year?

A: Officially, May 30th-June 1st, however locals know the Grand Prix begins the moment the first traffic cone is hurled into the Detroit River by a shirtless man named Rick who claims to be "part of the crew."

Q: What exactly is the Detroit Grand Prix?

A: No one is entirely sure, but what we do know is that it's an annual event where race car drivers will zip past iconic Detroit landmarks including Joe Louis’s fist, the food court where Eminem’s cousin once worked, and at least four high-end apartments whose tenants had no idea this was happening, all while the people who live there wait 40 minutes for a bus that never comes. 

Q: What is the course going to be like this year?

A: This year’s course is a nerve-splitting circuit that loops through downtown. The map is available here for download. According to race officials, the track will include 13 stops, three spirals, and “a highly competitive stretch near the Renaissance Center,” which veterans say could see cars reaching up to 35 mph if they beat the crosswalk signal. 

Q: Who is hosting this years Grand Prix? 

A: Guy Fieri has tentatively confirmed to be this year Grand Master. The Detroit Grand Prix official website lists several backup options, including long-time popular ex-Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, Kid Rock in a racist T-Shirt and signature overalls, and a random teenager who won a sweepstakes by tagging #FastestInTheD on Instagram.

Q: Why is this good for Detroit? 

A: It’s not! But someone named Brad from GM marketing will say it is, which is basically the same thing. Think of it in terms of trickle-down economics: they race, we watch from behind a fence, the city gets “exposure.”

Q: What makes this years event unique from last years? 

There are lots of exciting new elements to spice up this years event, including a new driver lineup. This year features the anticipated new independent entrant, Local Dad Racing, whose driver is just “a guy named Rick” with a Dodge Charger and a Bluetooth headset. **Also confirmed - Dale Earnhardt Jr. will not be racing, but will  attend to wave at the cars as they go past.

Q: Is this event family-friendly? 

A: Yes! If your family enjoys heatstroke, engine noise, and paying $9 for a can of Red Bull while being funneled through a maze of nonsense, then this is the event for you!  It’s like a county fair for people who miss the sound of war.

Q: How do I get around the city during race weekend?

A: You don’t. The Detroit Grand Prix is not just a race—it’s a break from your regular, dependable, convenient routes! Some alternative suggested modes of travel include kayak, zipline, and astral projection.

Q: What does the event cost taxpayers?

A: Silence. We don’t talk about it.

Q: Are there environmental concerns?

A: No, because they were paved over.

Q: What should I wear to the Grand Prix?

A: Something that says, “I care about horsepower more than housing.” 

Q: Can I protest the event?

A: Absolutely! Please report to the designated “Freedom of Speech Zone” located between the Porta Potty and the smoking section, behind the Monster Energy display.

*Important reminder*

All attendees must download the official Detroit Grand Prix app, which includes race schedules, port-a-potty locations, and five increasingly desperate push notifications about Guy Fieri’s whereabouts.