LATEST HORRORSCOPES
By Lady Skitelle
♈Aries
You're fired up this week, mostly because someone dared to cut in line at CVS. Let it go, or don’t—and instead organize a small but fierce protest near the greeting cards. Love life tip: stop flirting with people who clearly list "emotional support lizard" in their bios.
♉Taurus
You're craving stability and mashed potatoes. This week, the stars encourage you to finally confront that “junk drawer” in your kitchen. There's a 30% chance it leads to a portal, a raccoon, or your 2009 tax return. Financially, you will either thrive or spiral due to a candle subscription box.
♊Gemini
Your duality is showing again. Monday you're a minimalist, by Thursday you're hoarding vintage cat figurines “for the aesthetic.” Communication is highlighted—meaning you'll accidentally send a thirst trap to your group chat titled “Work Peeps.” No one will recover.
♋Cancer
You're feeling extra sensitive, even for you. This week you may cry during a car commercial, a weather report, or while watching two pigeons awkwardly kiss. Invest in self-care: a bath, a weighted blanket, and ghosting three people who texted “u up?” last week.
♌Leo
You walk into every room like it’s a red carpet—unfortunately, this week the carpet is wet, sticky, and smells like regret. Someone will compliment your hair and you'll immediately forget every traumatic memory from childhood. Power move: dramatically quit a group chat.
♍Virgo
You’ve scheduled your breakdown for Thursday at 2:15 p.m., right after color-coding your spice rack. Let it out. It’s okay. Just don’t “accidentally” update your LinkedIn status to “CEO of Over It.” Spoiler: no one cares that you reorganized your Gmail folders, but tell us anyway.
♎Libra
You’ve got choices this week: wear pants, or don’t. Eat salad, or cry into a quesadilla. Either way, you’ll pretend it was “aesthetic.” Your romantic life is in flux, meaning your crush may or may not be a pyramid scheme. Make a pros-and-cons list and ignore it.
♏Scorpio
Everything feels intense right now, including your vendetta against Karen in accounting. Channel that passion somewhere productive—like writing anonymous Yelp reviews in iambic pentameter. Just don’t fall in love this week unless you’re ready for consequences and niche Spotify playlists.
♐Sagittarius
You’re ready to book a one-way ticket to somewhere, preferably where no one expects you to answer emails. Your Wi-Fi will betray you mid-Zoom call and you’ll question every life choice since 2013. Focus on adventure: try a new food, like “unpaid parking tickets.”
♑Capricorn
Your ambition is peaking. You're either starting a new business or trying to unionize your group chat. Be warned: your coworker is watching you microwave fish in the breakroom, and your name just got added to a list. Financially? You're thriving. Emotionally? That’s TBD.
♒Aquarius
Your ideas are too big for this timeline. Unfortunately, your bank account is not. This week you’ll invent three new religions, forget your PIN, and get stuck in a rabbit hole about ethical AI. Make sure your friendships aren’t just people you send memes to at 3 a.m. (Unless that’s all you want. Fair.)
♓Pisces
You’re feeling dreamy, delusional, and maybe psychic. Unfortunately, your intuition only works for guessing plot twists in 'Grey’s Anatomy' reruns. Someone will ask you to "be realistic," and you’ll respond by pretending to be a Victorian widow. Keep it weird. We love that for you.
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