Detroit, Michigan - In a move that has sent panic (and perhaps a gentle, knowing chuckle) across the political landscape, former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and two-time almost-President Hillary Rodham Clinton has reportedly declared her intention to seek the nation's highest office once more. The announcement, sources say, came during a spirited backstage rendition of "Don't Stop" at the Fleetwood Mac reunion tour in Detroit.

Detroit, MI - Vice President Kamala Harris took to a makeshift podium in downtown Detroit, addressing an assembled crowd with a speech that seemed to materialize from the ether, apropos of absolutely nothing. "I've been practicing this all week," she announced, her voice echoing slightly off the surrounding buildings, "and I'm, like, super ready to share my… insights."